Never Trust a Genie
by JenJenJen13
Summary: Sun Ce, Gan Ning, and Zhou Yu discover a genie, who possesses the magical powers to grant them any wish they desire. Too bad Wu is densely populated with idiots who don’t understand the concept of a literal statement. Havoc will be wreaked.
1. Chapter 1

Since Suicide Watch turned out to be a vortex of awesome, I'm gonna do more short stories. Mostly because they're fun and require little amounts of plot. Either that or I'll jump on the porn fiction bandwagon. (just kidding).

-

Gan Ning had been at this all day. Gan Ning of the Bells, Pirate of the Silken Sails, Badass of the—okay, he made that last one up—and he couldn't catch a damned fish.

ONE fish was all he wanted. He figured in the time it took him to walk up to the Wu palace, get something to eat, and walk back to his ship, he'd be hungry again, so why not put his pirate intuition and mad awesome skill to some use and catch a fish?

WRONG. He'd been at it all day. His rumbling stomach was begging him to give up already, but his pride—and the fact that his ass was probably molded to the railing of his ship, he'd been sitting here for so long—was keeping him here.

"Yo, Ning!" called a familiar (annoying) voice.

Gan Ning groaned. "Whaddaya want, Ce," he shot over his shoulder, hoping his tone implied he was very, very, /very/ busy, and did not want to be bothered.

"You sound like you're bored!" Sun Ce said cheerily, "Feel like sparring some?"

"No," Gan Ning retorted, "Get lost, Ce, I'm busy!"

"Busy doing what? Feeding the fish?" Sun Ce asked. "Doesn't look like you're catching much o' anything…"

"Go to hell!" Gan Ning barked. When Sun Jian died and Sun Ce became Emperor of Wu, Gan Ning figured he'd pay dearly for mouthing off, but whatever.

Sun Ce made a face. "And you wonder why nobody likes you!"

"That's Ling Tong," Gan Ning answered, "/everyone/ likes me!"

"True," Sun Ce said, tapping his goateed chin. "Very true. Speaking of which, while we're on the subject of people /liking/ you, I have the misfortune of telling you my baby sister's got a bit of a thing for you. Eyy?" He nudged the other man. "So, whaddaya say? She's cute, don't you think?"

"??? You have a sister?" Gan Ning asked, curious. "What's she look like? I've never met 'er!"

Sun Ce did a face palm. "Oh never mind!" He looked out towards the Chang Jiang river, where Gan Ning's ship was currently docked. "So, how're they biting?"

"They're /not/," Gan Ning complained, "And I'm starving to death over here!"

"Sucks for you," Sun Ce replied, "Why don't you just escort yourself to the palace and get some food?"

"I have my pride! Anyone can just GET free food," Gan Ning shot back, "I actually have to work for it! I'm a man!"

"A hungry, sad, pathetic man who'll be here all night, depending on luck and the mercies of nature in order to feed himself," Zhou Yu said sagely, boarding the ship.

Gan Ning very nearly fell off the railing. "Dammit, what're you two doing, having a party? Get outta here!"

"Oh whatever," Sun Ce said. He beamed at his best friend. "What's up, Yu-man?"

Zhou Yu winced a bit at the nickname. "Xiao Qiao is driving me crazy as always," he said calmly, "I finally had to get away from her, uh—"

"Pain in the ass-ness?" Gan Ning offered.

Zhou Yu glared at him. "She is not a pain in the ass! She is a lovely person!"

"Hence why you're over here hiding from her," Gan Ning replied. "And people wonder why I'm not getting married anytime soon…"

"That's because no woman will have you!" Zhou Yu shot back.

Sun Ce made a face. "Oiii, I feel your pain, Yu, Da's always reading' or whatever and boring the heck out of me… isn't she great?" He beamed.

Gan Ning made a face. "Oi! This is a no fluff zone! Take your fluffy crapola and get off my ship!"

"Zip it, pirate boy, or should I say, the pirate who can't catch a fish," Sun Ce chuckled, "I think Tong might've caught a fish by now, seriously, Ning—"

"Both of you shut up!" Gan Ning shouted, losing his temper (took him long enough). "Get yer trash-talking asses off my ship!"

"Why don't you make us~" Sun Ce sang annoyingly.

Gan Ning growled under his breath and lunged for Sun Ce, who avoided him easily. Gan Ning promptly lost his balance and toppled off the railing into the water.

"I believe the proper term here is PWNAGE," Zhou Yu cackled.

"Screw you! Go to hell!" Gan Ning barked, submerging furiously, shaking his head (his hair, interestingly enough, was completely unaffected) to shake off the water. "Damn jerks and your dumb—OWWW!"

"What?" Sun Ce asked.

"I just stepped on something!" Gan Ning said angrily, "Stupid river's filled with a bunch of garbage!"

"OI," Sun Ce bellowed, "That's /my/ river you're talking about!"

"Then clean it up, it's a cesspool!" Gan Ning snapped, "All the fish are probably /dead/—hey, what the hell?" He fumbled around underwater and pulled a glass bottle out of the water.

Zhou Yu rolled his eyes. "Gee, a wine bottle sunk at the bottom of the river where /your/ ship docks. Gee, Ning, doesn't take a man with my IQ to figure out who's responsible for that one."

"This isn't mine!" Gan Ning grumbled, hoisting himself back on deck, "Thing looks like it's never been opened!"

"That's bull, it's empty!" Sun Ce pointed out, staring inside the hazy bottle. "Maybe it's a curse?"

"Why the hell would a curse be sunk at the bottom of the Chang Jiang river?" Zhou Yu asked incredulously.

Sun Ce looked outraged. "Alright then, Mr. Genius, where would you hide a curse?"

"Just open it already!" Gan Ning shouted, stuck trying to pull himself over the ledge (mostly because of hunger).

Sun Ce shrugged. "Alright then."

Zhou Yu shook his head. "This is a delicate situation and must be treated with due care," he said, firmly, extending his hand. "Hand it over, Ce."

Sun Ce looked defensive. "Why do you get to open it?"

"Because that thing might release a toxic air that will kill us all. Come now, hand it over."

"No!" Sun Ce held the bottle protectively. "Mine!"

Zhou Yu sighed. "Ce, you're acting like a baby, just—" He lunged for the bottle. Sun Ce held it out of his reach.

"Nyah, nyah," Sun Ce said, making a face.

Zhou Yu gritted his teeth. "Dammit, Ce—" He dove for the bottle again, slipped on the puddle Gan Ning was creating by lying on the ship deck trying to squirm aboard, and toppled into Sun Ce. The bottle flew out of Sun Ce's gloved hand, went flying, and smashed.

"Well, look what you did!" Sun Ce said, shaking his head, "I hope you're happy!"

"ME!?" Zhou Yu demanded, outraged, "If you'd just handed it over, it'd still be in one piece!"

Gan Ning finally managed to haul his ass on board, and he watched as the shattered bottle began to glow. "Uhhh… guys?"

Sun Ce and Zhou Yu were too busy bickering to notice the gas rising from the bottle remains, or to bother noticing the gas take a human shape, or to even pay the slightest amount of attention to the female who just materialized from the gas.

"Guys?" Gan Ning questioned.

"Hi there!" said the woman.

Sun Ce and Zhou Yu's bickering stopped. They both looked at the woman.

"Who's she?" Sun Ce asked.

The woman looked annoyed. "Give me a second and I'll explain! I've been locked in that bottle for centuries, I think I forgot the standard genie spiel—"

"She appears to be a paranormal woman figure," Zhou Yu said, studying her.

"If that means hot chick, I'm in," Gan Ning said, grinning.

The woman rolled her eyes. "Ugh. You men never change." She shook her head. "Regardless of your stupidity, I am the Genie of the Yellow Lotus."

"Stupid name!" Gan Ning interrupted.

The genie ignored him. "Anyway, to sum things up, I have to grant the wish of anyone who comes across me."

"WHAT!?" Sun Ce asked incredulously.

"In that case, I wish for a—" Zhou Yu clamped his hand over Gan Ning's mouth before the idiot pirate could finish his sentence.

"Shut up!" he hissed. He drew himself to his full height and frowned at the genie. "Genie," he began, "Your services are neither wanted nor required."

The genie shrugged. "I'm here for twenty-four hours anyway, might as well hang around." She beamed. "So, nobody wants /anything/? I could grant you your deepest desires! I could make you a King!"

"I already am a King!" Sun Ce declared. "Well, when my pops croaks I will be, but—" He covered his mouth. "No! I'm not talking! I don't want anything!"

The genie just shrugged again. "Alrighty then," she said, and poked Sun Ce in the chest. "Just remember, buddy, any wish you make—ANY—I must grant. Only one per person, though."

Gan Ning spoke up again. "Can I wish for a—"

"NO!" Zhou Yu interrupted. "Go away, genie, and take your wicked magic with you!"

The genie rolled her eyes and floated off. "I'll be around~"

Sun Ce looked at Zhou Yu. "You're really hell-bent on no magic, huh? Zhuge Liang being the local magic authority getting to you?"

"Shut up before I put my sword through your kidneys," Zhou Yu snapped.

"Eww," Gan Ning said, "I can see how a fangirl could reconstruct THAT as sexual innuendo."

Sun Ce and Zhou Yu glared at him. "Nobody asked you!" Sun Ce said.

Gan Ning just shrugged. "I call 'em as I see 'em."

-

"This woman is clearly trouble," Sun Jian said firmly, "You kids hear me? Nobody, I mean NOBODY, had better make a wish! And if anyone does, you'll be in trouble!"

"WHAT!?" Sun Quan repeated. "Father, the arrival of this woman is clearly a sign from the heavens! Wu is MADE to conquer this land!"

"We already know that, Quan," Sun Shang Xiang said, and frowned at her father. "Daddy, what's the big deal, who cares if we make a bunch of harmless wishes!?"

"BECAUSE THEY WON'T BE HARMLESS! I know you guys, you're gonna wish for something dumb!" Sun Ce yelled, on his father's side. He grinned at Sun Jian. "I've got your back, Pop~"

"Thank you, son. I can already imagine the havoc you all could wreak with the power of a genie on your side!" Sun Jian said, "So no wishes!" He banged his fist on the table for emphasis.

His words were met with a lot of whining (90 percent of it from Ling Tong's end of the table). "No whining either!" he added sharply. Then he left the room, Huang Gai following behind him.

The door hadn't shut before everyone started complaining.

"This is a bunch of bullcrap," Ling Tong whined, "All I wanted to wish for was a hot girlfriend, or lots of money, or the ability to drop Gan Ning into an incinerator!"

Everyone shuddered at the mental image. No, wait, they couldn't have, since incinerators haven't been invented yet. Luckily, the Wu generals were too busy whining and thinking about themselves that they ignored this anachronistic hole in the plot and the crumbling of a nearby fourth wall.

"This sucks!" Xiao Qiao grumbled, her language clearly derived from the choice vocabulary of Sun Ce and Gan Ning. "I just wanna wish for a huge bunch of flowers!"

"I want a boyfriend," Sun Shang Xiang grumbled, "Since all the men HERE—" she glared at oblivious Gan Ning—"don't seem to notice the elephant in the room!" She arched her back furiously, aiming at Gan Ning's direction.

Gan Ning looked around. "I keep thinking I'm hearing something."

"I just want power, and to be the eldest son, and to have every single one of you bowing down to me for once! No more, "QUAN, you're just the younger brother", or "QUAN, leave this one to the adults" or "QUAN, I'm sorry but your older brother is just too hot!" I'll be the King! Me, me, me!"

Everyone looked at him blankly. Sun Quan flushed to the roots of his hair. "I, err, did I say that out loud!? Hee hee."

Zhou Tai made a face quite resembling a facial expression one who wished to die a quick painless death would make. But since he was Zhou Tai, nobody noticed. It wasn't that they didn't care; Ling Tong was the general everyone heard and chose to ignore. Zhou Tai was just like air. He was there.

Sun Ce sighed. "You all have /proved/ Pop's point, all you wanna do is wish for a bunch of stupid things that will somehow lead to the death of us all!"

"But—"

"NO BUTS!" Sun Ce hollered. "We're gonna wait the 24 hours out and then she's going to leave and then we'll all be better off! NO WISHING!"

Everyone just groaned.

-

And of course we all know the Wu army is not going to listen to Sun Jian or Sun Ce, since they're idiots. Next up we'll see how much havoc these boneheads can wreak with the power of a magic genie on their side.

Just for the record, /this/ means italics. My formatting always gets messed up in the document manager, so I do that instead.


	2. Chapter 2

I totally forgot about this story~ XD

Chapter is shorter than it looks, mostly because it's 90 percent dialogue.

-

"Heyyyyyy, Tong~"

Ling Tong jumped about six feet in the air (and he was already over six feet tall, according to the Koei database book) and turned around, recognizing that girlish voice. "What!?" he squawked, seeing the Wu princess beaming at him.

"Can I get you to do me a favor?" Sun Shang Xiang asked, her smile not losing its radiance.

"No!" Ling Tong responded immediately.

Sun Shang Xiang made a face. "Aw come on!"

"Absolutely not!"

"Pleaaaaaaase?"

"No!"

"I'M THE PRINCESS AND YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY," Sun Shang Xiang ordered, "Now shut up and listen!"

Ling Tong sighed, defeated. "Fine, but I'm not jumping off the roof again!"

"I didn't tell you to jump off the roof!" Sun Shang Xiang said, looking confused. "No, I—I've been trying to make Gan Ning notice me, you see, but—I, uh, think he's kind of dense."

"Kind of?" Ling Tong repeated.

Sun Shang Xiang sighed. "Okay, he's really dense. Like, I'm not sure he knows who I am."

Ling Tong thought for a moment. Cue montage music.

-

_"God /dammit/, Shang Xiang, give 'em back," Ling Tong complained, chasing after the annoying Princess._

_Sun Shang Xiang laughed, running into the dining hall, where Gan Ning happened to be stuffing his face, as always (still couldn't catch a fish to save his life). "You want 'em, you have to catch me~"_

_"I already caught you twice and you kicked me in the leg both times! Now hand 'em over!" Ling Tong ordered, lunging for her and missing completely._

_Sun Shang Xiang turned around suddenly, pulling her top down and shoving his nunchakus between her breasts. "Go ahead and take em~"_

_Ling Tong made a face. "That's okay. I have another pair."_

_"Why don't you ask Gan Ning to get them for you???" Sun Shang Xiang asked, looking directly at Gan Ning, giving Ling Tong a "PLAY ALONG OR I'LL KILL YOU" look._

_Ling Tong sighed and glanced over in Gan Ning's direction. "Ning, uhh, I don't suppose you want to extract my weapon from the Princess's bosoms?"_

_"Who?" Gan Ning asked._

_Ling Tong blinked a few times. "The—the girl? Right there?"_

_Gan Ning looked. "I don't see anything."_

_Ling Tong stared. "Are you kidding? She's right—" He looked, and Sun Shang Xiang was gone. He groaned._

_Gan Ning eyed him strangely, before shrugging and going back to his food._

_"Sorry!" Sun Shang Xiang hissed, from outside, "I got shy!"_

_Ling Tong groaned._

-

"So because /you're/ pathetic, /I/ have to make a moron of myself /and/ talk to Gan Ning!? No way!" Ling Tong said, folding his arms.

Sun Shang Xiang pouted. "Oh come on! What about all the times I helped you!?

Ling Tong thought for another second. Cue the montage music.

-

_(No footage exists)_

-

"Oh, just because you can't /remember/!" Sun Shang Xiang complained.

"It's not that I can't remember, it's because it doesn't exist!"

"Does too!"

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"Does not!"

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"AHA! I got you!" Sun Shang Xiang beamed.

Ling Tong groaned. "That doesn't mean anything! I am /not/ going to proposition Gan Ning for you! Or—wait a minute, that came out wrong—"

Sun Shang Xiang made a face. "Why not!? What's a favor between friends!?"

"Pardon the cliché here, but, uh, with friends like /you/—who needs enemies? I'm going to bed, bye~"

Sun Shang Xiang put her hands on her hips. "Then what do I have to give you to make you do it!?"

"Shang Xiang, note my completely straight face here. I would rather be your boyfriend than to go in that room and tell Gan Ning you—"

"Want to *BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP* him?" Sun Shang Xiang finished, as if she was talking about the weather.

Ling Tong looked disgusted. "Ew!"

"Shut up! And I don't want to be your boyfriend anyway! I mean—your girlfriend!" She folded her arms, apparently thinking this was some kind of horrible punishment.

Ling Tong rolled his eyes. "You're, uh, not my type, Shang Xiang, I like girls who /DON'T YELL AT ME AND MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE/."

"They don't make 'em like that in Wu!" Sun Shang Xiang whined. "Well, except for Da Qiao, I guess, and she's always been a freak—"

"I will never understand how the only normal woman in this entire country married /your brother/," Ling Tong said, shaking his head.

Sun Shang Xiang paused, and eyed him conspiratorially. "I understand."

"Understand what?" Ling Tong asked, with a sigh.

Sun Shang Xiang's expression didn't change. "You talk to Gan Ning for me, and I'll arrange something with Da Qiao. You follow?"

"No," Ling Tong said. He thought for a second. "Allow me to clarify. No to the Gan Ning thing and no to following whatever you're going on about."

Sun Shang Xiang sighed. "You get me in with Ning, I'll hook you up with Da!"

"No way! Ce'd kill me!" Ling Tong whined.

Sun Shang Xiang scowled, going back to her usual tactic. "Just do it, you useless jerk!"

"Don't call me a useless jerk! Gan Ning's dumber than a bag of rocks! If his libido told him to dive off a cliff, he would! It's not my fault you're a horrible person!" Ling Tong shouted.

Sun Shang Xiang looked at him, and for one brief moment Ling Tong thought he finally cracked her tough-girl exterior and made her cry. He sighed. "Shang Xiang…"

"You JERK!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted, and cracked him across the face, sending him toppling over on his ass. "When Ning finally becomes my boyfriend I'm gonna make him kick your ass!" Then she stomped off.

"I HATE HER," Ling Tong growled, to the air.

"You don't like the way she treats you, do you?" the genie asked, materializing behind Ling Tong.

"I hate the way she treats me!" Ling Tong complained, rubbing his cheek, apparently so pissed off he didn't realize he was answering a voice seemingly coming from nowhere. "Always bossing me around—"

"You don't want to be her lackey forever, do you?"

"I /don't/ want to be her lackey forever!"

"All you have to do is wish her away~"

"All I have to do is—WAIT A MINUTE," he said, turning around, meeting the genie's eyes, "My lord /told/ us you're nothing but trouble!"

"Your lord reacts on fear. He does not understand, so his ignorance manifests in fear," the genie explained. "Common "Genie On Your Doorstep" mindset."

"Well, y'know, hypothetically speaking… what /can/ I wish for?" Ling Tong asked curiously.

"Anything you so desire~" the genie answered vaguely, with fabulous hand gestures.

"Can I wish for /you/?" Ling Tong asked, grinning.

The genie scowled. "No. I am unattainable for the likes of you puny mortals."

Ling Tong made a face. "Ouch." He folded his arms. "Hmmm… what do I want to wish for…" He paused. "You said /anything/, right?"

"Anything other than /me/, yes," the genie replied.

Ling Tong thought for a moment. The mental image of that bitch Sun Shang Xiang being whisked across the countryside—being dragged by a team of horses—going in separate directions—all at the same time—while crossing over a particularly rocky stretch of terrain— he smirked evilly. "Alright then. I want to be a stronger general than Gan Ning!"

The genie snapped her fingers. "Done."

-

"So like I was saying, I—" Gan Ning paused in mid-sentence. He jumped to his feet, burst into a furious sprint, and promptly leaped right out the third floor window. The closed third floor window.

SMASH.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

THUNK.

"OWWW!"

Lu Meng and Lu Xun exchanged horrified glances.

-

Ling Tong, who had seen Gan Ning falling out of the window—he was on the first floor, Gan Ning was on the third—watched in—okay, horror wasn't the right word, that /was/ the funniest thing he'd ever seen in a cosmic sort of way, but still! That wasn't what he meant!

"Th-that's not what I meant!" Ling Tong shouted, rearing on the genie. "I didn't say break his arms! I said make me stronger!"

The genie rolled her eyes. "Your exact words were, "I want to be a stronger general than Gan Ning. Now, you are. I've never seen a man fight with two broken arms, have you?"

Ling Tong groaned. "This must've been what Sun Ce meant when he said "Never trust a genie"…" He paused. "What would you've done if I asked you to make Shang Xiang leave me alone?"

The genie shrugged. "Take some creative liberties, I suppose?"

Ling Tong sighed. Easy come easy go.

-

"Hi Yu!!!!!!!!!!!" Xiao Qiao said excitedly, bounding inside the room she shared with her husband, finding him pouring over a pile of books.

"Hello, Xiao." Zhou Yu didn't look up.

Xiao Qiao beamed, completely unperturbed by this. "I brought you some teaaa~" she sang.

"Thank you, but no thank you, Xiao, I'm a bit busy at the moment." He closed a book and began perusing through another.

Xiao Qiao made a face. "But it's fresh! And it's got those nice herbs you like so—" she stumbled, dropping the cup of tea, spilling it over her husband's lap.

"ARRRRGH!" Zhou Yu howled, dancing around in pain.

"EEEP! Zhou Yu, I'm so sorry!" Xiao Qiao wailed, "Can you ever forgive me!? Oh, I'm such a klutz, I thought switching to these no-heeled boots would make me stop tripping everywhere, Yu, I'm so sorrrrryyyyy!!" This was all said in one breath.

"Xiao," Zhou Yu hissed, through clenched teeth, "Get me a towel, please!?"

Xiao Qiao nodded immediately, running out of the room—"Oof!" she cried, and Zhou Yu sighed, she tripped /again/—and she came back with a towel. "Here you are!" she said, grabbing the towel and pressing on Zhou Yu's lap firmly.

Zhou Yu winced—so much for future generations—and pulled the towel from his wife. "Thank you," he said, making a face as he mopped at his soaked pants.

"I'm so sorrrrrryyyyyy," Xiao Qiao pouted, beating the dead horse.

Zhou Yu sighed. "Xiao, it's /alright/—I'm very stressed at the moment, I'm under a lot of pressure, and—" His face became very dark. "I don't want to talk about it!"

"Is it that mean man Zhuge Liang?" Xiao Qiao asked, sitting on the bed.

Zhou Yu winced. "Xiao, /please/ don't say his name in this room—"

"What name? Zhuge Liang?"

"YES! Don't say the name!"

"Okay! I won't ever say Zhuge Liang again!" Xiao Qiao promised, and made a face at Zhou Yu's contortions. "Darling? Are you—ohh, I said Zhuge Liang again, didn't I!?"

Zhou Yu banged his head against the desk a few times, and sighed once before regaining his composure. He sat back up again. "Yes… /anyway/… you know we're going to war with Cao Cao, yes?"

"Uh huh! I heard Ce talking about it!" Xiao Qiao said, nodding excitedly.

"Well, I'm very busy trying to come up with a strategy that will carry the Wu army to victory," Zhou Yu continued, "The ideal plan is to depend on the forces of Shu as little as possible—"

"So you don't have to deal with Zhuge Liang, huh?" Xiao Qiao asked.

"I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH YOU EITHER!" Zhou Yu exploded, angrily, "I am BUSY and I do not have time for your childish escapades!"

Xiao Qiao's lower lip wobbled. Zhou Yu turned back to his books. Furiously, the younger Qiao strode forward and kicked her husband in the shin.

"You meanie!" she barked, "I don't wanna talk to you ever again! JERK!" And she strode out of the room.

Zhou Yu sighed. She'll be back.

Three.

Two.

On—

Xiao Qiao came back into the room, grabbed an armful of things, and glared at him. "This is /my/ stuff!" she shouted, kicked him again for good riddance, and stomped out of the room.

Zhou Yu banged his head on the desk again. He just couldn't win for losing, could he?

-

Although a walk around the palace grounds usually cheered her up, Xiao Qiao was too sad to think about anything but Zhou Yu. He'd never gotten angry like that at her before!

She kicked a rock and promptly stubbed her toe. "OW!" she groaned, biting back tears. At least the physical throb of pain helped clear up the pain she felt from fighting with her husband. Zhou Yu was a pain of the ass and she'd have much rather been able to tap Sun Ce's hot ass but she very quickly fell in love with her fiancé and moved on with her life.

She /knew/ Zhou Yu loved her; he was just under so much stress right now, and she had to go and get on his nerves. Arrrgh Xiao you're so stupid stupid stupid stupid /stupid/!

"I wish I could understand Yu better!" Xiao Qiao whined out loud. "Why does he always get so mad at me? I'm just trying to help!"

"Do you want him to understand your ways?" the Genie asked, appearing behind Xiao Qiao in a "Nothing good will come from my appearance" puff of smoke.

"I want him to understand my ways," Xiao Qiao sighed.

"Do you want him to appreciate your girlish charm and your youthful immaturity?"

"I want him to appreciate my girlish charm and my youthful immaturity," Xiao Qiao agreed, so distraught she was agreeing with a voice coming from seemingly nowhere.

"All you have to do is wish for it~"

"All I have to do is—HEY!" Xiao Qiao squawked, turning around, face to face with the genie. "You meanie! Don't try and trick me! Lord Sun Jian and Ce told me not to talk to you!"

"There is no harm in /talking/ to me," the Genie pointed out, "As long as you don't say the words "I wish for INSERT YOUR WISH HERE", we can carry on a conversation just fine." She smiled. "Nice weather, huh?"

"So, as long as I don't say, "I wish Zhou Yu and I understood each other better", I can talk to you?" Xiao Qiao asked. She brightened. "YAY! New friend!" Then she froze. "Oh /no/! I take it back! I, uh—"

Genie sighed and snapped her fingers regardless of Xiao Qiao's pleas.

-

Zhou Yu dropped the stack of books he was carrying.

On his foot.

He howled in pain.

"Yu?" Sun Ce asked curiously.

"DURRRR!" Zhou Yu said, looking up, grinning stupidly. "Hi hi HI CE! Friend~"

Sun Ce's eyes nearly fell out of his head. "Wh-what the—"

-

"Sorry," she said, "No take-backs~"

"WHYYYYY," Xiao Qiao wailed.

"Because there's no cruel genie fun nor any biting life lessons to be found in that situation," Genie replied, "Enjoy your new life with your husband~"

"Wait wait wait wait! Did it work?" Xiao Qiao asked curiously.

"It did. Your husband's intelligence is now inferior to your own. You will not have trouble comprehending him again," Genie answered.

Xiao Qiao tilted her head. "Uhhh, what?"

Genie sighed. "He's dumber than you are."

Xiao Qiao nodded, understanding that—and then she froze.

"YOU MADE HIM DUMBER THAN ME!?" she squawked.

"I did~" And Genie disappeared in a puff of trademarked genie smoke.

-

"Where's Zhou Yu?" Xiao Qiao screamed, running into the library, smack into Sun Ce.

"You're silly!" Zhou Yu said, pointing at Xiao Qiao. He beamed. "You're silly, you're silly, you're silly!" He started dancing and skipping around, still singing.

Sun Ce and Xiao Qiao exchanged expressions. Simultaneously, they both grinned hugely.

"Dumb Yu is awesome!" Sun Ce shouted.

"Can we keep him!?" Xiao Qiao giggled.

-

Da Qiao sighed, setting her book down, resting her cheek in her hand. She'd seen her sister and Zhou Yu at lunch today, cuddling and—Zhou Yu had seemed a bit, er, not his usual self—but regardless, having more fun than she ever seemed to have with her husband.

"What do I have to do to catch my lord's attention?" she wondered out loud, looking around the palace study. Not many Wu generals were avid readers; most of the books were covered with a layer of dust, so Da Qiao liked to come up here and read to get away from the chaos that was life in the Wu palace. However her husband never seemed too thrilled to join her.

"Is it because I'm… boring? That I lack the enthusiasm of my sister?" Da Qiao asked, her head in her hands. "Whatever will I do…"

"Do you want to secure your husband's attention on you alone?" the Genie asked, materializing behind Da Qiao in a predictable yet inconspicuous puff of smoke.

"I want to secure my husband's attention on myself alone, yes," Da Qiao said, so distraught she was answering voices coming from nowhere. Apparently answering voices coming from nowhere was the new fad, as we're at three Wu officers—using the term "officers" loosely in the case of the Qiao sisters—now and neither one of them have questioned it.

"Would it satisfy you to have his attention on you, always?"

"It would!" Da Qiao wailed.

"All you have to do is wish it~"

"All I have to do is—" Da Qiao stopped and whirled. "You! My lord and husband warned me against you!" she gasped, "I—I will never succumb to your trickery!"

The genie sighed. "The people of Wu are a bunch of bigots, really. Don't discriminate against /me/! I'm just the one with the eternal curse to grant wishes! I can't grant /my own/ wishes or I wouldn't be here right now!"

Da Qiao's face softened. "Oh, you poor thing!"

"Tell me about it," Genie grumbled, "Being forced to grant people's idiotic wishes, and never being able to make one of my own? Just once I wish someone would take compassion on me and put me out of my misery!"

"That's possible?" Da Qiao asked curiously.

"Oh, yes, it's a rather exploitable loophole in the Genie system," Genie nodded, a bit of excitement in her eyes.

Da Qiao thought for a moment, and smiled. "Genie, I would like to make a wish," she said primly.

Genie's eyes lit up like a fireworks display. "REALLY!?" I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm—

"I wish for the eternal attention of my husband!" Da Qiao said excitedly.

Genie's face fell a good six feet, before she snapped her fingers.

Da Qiao's bosom grew, her waist shrunk, her hips widened, and her body suddenly grew curves that would put Diao Chan to shame. If she was alive in the 21st century, she would look like a woman in the adult entertainment industry.

She gasped, her clothes suddenly not fitting her very well. "I—I didn't mean to—to look like some kind of scarlet woman!" she screeched.

"Mortals are so selfish! All you care about is yourselves and your boring, vapid problems!" Genie complained, "And at the rate I'm going, I'll /never/ be free and I'll have to listen to these problems for all eternity!"

"I can't let anyone see me like this!" Da Qiao wailed, "I—I wish for a blanket!"

"Too bad! Only one wish per person!" Genie retorted, before disappearing in a rather cheap looking puff of smoke.

Da Qiao groaned, looking down at her—well, she couldn't /see/ her feet anymore, but as far as she remembered they were there—and sighed. Well, at least her husband wouldn't think she was boring anymore, right?

She left the library and went upstairs, looking for her husband, trying to get used to the awkward proportions of her new body as she did.

"Good afternoon, Tong!" she said brightly, waving a cheerful hello to the young man.

Ling Tong barely glanced over at her, and then he glanced back, his eyes very wide. "Uh, Da? Did you do something with your… hair?"

"I did!" Da Qiao said excitedly, glad /someone/ had noticed, "In the wake of my Warriors Orochi Z appearance, I tried a different hairstyle!" She frowned, trying to make eye contact with Ling Tong, but his eyes were still staring at her—

"Oh, you're terrible!" Da Qiao gasped, covering her chest—not very well, might the author add—"You can't treat a lady like that!"

"Can too!" Ling Tong defended, settling for staring at other parts of her anatomy instead.

Da Qiao pouted. "You're horrible!"

"I'm a /boy/," Ling Tong corrected, "Has, your, uhh, husband seen you yet?"

"No," Da Qiao said, and pouted again. "That awful genie tricked me! I didn't ask for—this!" she gestured to herself.

"You got a better deal than I did! I asked to be a better general than Gan Ning, and instead she sends him out the window!" Ling Tong grumbled. "Not only am I still ME, his arms're gonna fix sooner or later and then he'll be the miracle boy!"

Da Qiao sighed. "I suppose it's our fault for not heeding the advice of Lord Sun Jian."

"Hey, it's too early in the story for our anticlimactic "we screwed up, didn't we" revelation," Ling Tong protested, "This is supposed to happen mid-chapter 4, early chapter 5, tops!"

"Well, /our/ story is pretty much done," Da Qiao pointed out, "If we don't do something, the others might wish for something /really/ bad—"

Ling Tong had a sudden horrifying mental image. "Uhh, yeah, I'd bet my life savings on that—c'mon, Da, let's go warn the others—"

Da Qiao nodded, and kicked him in the leg. "Stop staring at me! I am not a piece of meat!"

"I'm, uh, not so sure your husband will agree with you, but, uhh, okay~" Ling Tong mentally kicked himself for not letting Sun Shang Xiang arrange that deal with Da Qiao, dammit. He wasn't /that/ shallow—sure, she looked hotter now than she did before, but the original Da Qiao was adorable and beautiful and cute and d—

"LING TONG I KNOW YOUR FATHER RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THIS!" Da Qiao barked, "Stop ogling me and let us be on our way!"

"I'm a lonely man! Cut me some slack!" Ling Tong complained.

-

Three wishes down, more to go~ as you can imagine, these are the lightweights, the fun stuff starts later.

I'm also kind of obligated to say that. You wouldn't come back to read anything if I said "the next chapter will be as boring as watching snails racing or paint drying", would you? :D

Anyway, please review, reviews are always welcome~ I already have the Wu wishes planned out, but if you've got some suggestions, feel free to shoot 'em at me!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3! I've been caught up with other stuff and I almost forgot this poor story existed, but it shall be continuuuuuuuuuuuuuued~ I get inspiration for things at the weirdest times, I was just about to head to bed when I thought of something, and poof, Chapter 3, not going to sleep until this bitch is _written_.

Enjoy the chapter~ :3

-

"So remind us /why/ you jumped out of the window, Ning?" Lu Meng asked, studying the pirate with a furrowed brow.

"I don't know why!" Gan Ning shouted, kicking his legs simultaneously from his spot on the bed, where two medics were re-bandaging his arms (he'd gotten them splinted and bandaged on his original fall, but he'd since tripped and fallen at least five times).

"You couldn't have just randomly jumped up and jumped out of a window with no notice," Lu Meng reasoned.

"Don't go all smart on me, old man, all I know is something made me jump outta that window!" Gan Ning squawked, positively outraged, "You think I'd just dive out of a window for my health!?"

Lu Meng thought of at least fifteen occasions when Gan Ning _had_ done something stupid, reckless and dangerous and said the exact same thing—no, sixteen—no, seventeen—no, eighteen—oh, the damned list just kept growing.

"What're you in here for anyway?" Gan Ning asked suspiciously, "s'not like you to go all sappy sentimental on me!"

"Well, it's not like you've got anything better to do," Lu Meng said, smirking, dropping a giant pile of books at the bedside table next to the medic bed Gan Ning was sitting on, "I'm sure you'll make good use of _those_~"

"WHAT!?" Gan Ning shouted, "I'm getting punished because some stupid demon thing possessed

"There's no such thing as demons possessing you, Ning, you've been telling too many pirate tales," said Lu Meng, shaking his head. Dumb kids.

"I can't turn the pages!" Gan Ning said triumphantly, "I outsmarted you!"

"No, I already thought of that," answered Lu Meng downright cheerily, "and luckily for you, someone _volunteered_ to be your page turner~"

Gan Ning groaned, only imagining who Lu Meng dragged in to torture him—and in came that bouncy girl again.

"The Princess has volunteered her services," said Lu Meng cheerfully, "I trust you'll be respectful, Ning~"

"WHAAAAAAT," Gan Ning whined, "I don't wanna read books! It's a waste of her time and mine! I'm not going to read any of it, you can hold my eyelids open but you can't make me read anything!"

"I'm sure you'll enjoy them," chuckled Lu Meng, "they have pretty pictures in them~" He left, chuckling at Gan Ning's misery (boy did Gan Ning regret saying the words "It pisses me off when people think I'm dumb" to him).

Gan Ning sighed, sinking back on the pillows. "I'm not reading any of those," he informed the Wu princess flatly.

"Of course you're not," Sun Shang Xiang said, wide-eyed, staring at him.

Gan Ning was vaguely aware she was staring at him. "What? Something on my face?" He didn't have a spare hand to check and tried scrunching his face up to get whatever it was off.

"I'll get it for you," Sun Shang Xiang said, almost dreamily, and before Gan Ning quite knew what she was doing, she leaned down and kissed him. A lot.

_Hey, this isn't bad at all! _Gan Ning thought, kissing whoever-this-girl-was back, wishing he had some hands to grope at her chest. She climbed on top of him, straddling his hips and leaning down further, her tongue pushing at his lips. Gan Ning grunted a bit as she rocked on his lap, and she pulled back giggling.

"I wanna have sex," she told him, pulling at his pants.

"Woohoo," Gan Ning bleated, quite pleased by this turn of events, "I, uh, don't have _hands—_"

"That's okay, I'll do it for you," Sun Shang Xiang said cheerily, "and my name's Sun Shang Xiang, buster, don't forget it!"

Sun Shang Xiang is the prettiest girl in the world, Gan Ning decided, and _not _just because she had no shame of going down on him in a public room, thank you very much!

"This is gonna be fuuuuun," Sun Shang Xiang giggled, still picking at the savage knot his waistband was tied in (Lu Xun had to help him go to the bathroom, and as a result of the mental scarring the young Wu strategist got his revenge by… tying his sash really tight. Yeah. When it came to strategizing revenge, well, it was a good thing Zhou Yu was still alive) with one hand, her other pushing his vest away from his shoulders and trying to pull it off.

Sure, she'd never jumped on top of a guy she liked and forced him to have sex with her—she'd tried it on Liu Bei, and once he finished screaming he'd packed her things for her and sent her back to Wu _that day_—but Gan Ning was open to these kinds of things, this was going to be _awesome_! She ran her hands all over his chiseled chest, grinning and blushing and having all sorts of fun~

Just as Gan Ning was beginning to strategize the logistics of having sex with a woman with his pants still _on_, or better, getting the girl to find a knife or something to just cut the damn sash off, the door to the medic ward began to rattle.

"Is anyone in here who can treat me?" called Sun Quan, from the other side of the door.

Gan Ning made to yell "No, go bleed out for all I care~", but Sun Shang Xiang's eyes widened and she froze.

"Crap, that's my brother!" Sun Shang Xiang wailed, "I've gotta go!"

"Whaaaaat?" Gan Ning whined, "don't leave me like this, you evil woman!"

"Sorry!" Sun Shang Xiang said, "I'll be baaaaack~" And she took off, leaping out of the open window and escaping. (The medic ward was on the first floor; there was no danger of her becoming a no-armed freak, unlike the pirate she'd just propositioned.)

Sun Quan came into the medic ward, looking confused. "I thought I heard noises in here," he commented, and looked at how disheveled Gan Ning was. Gan Ning was in the middle of pulling the blankets to his neck with his teeth to hide his erection (not doing a very good job of it…) and smiling innocently at Sun Quan.

Sun Quan eyed him strangely. "Uhhh…"

"What!?" Gan Ning squawked, "A man's trying to rest here!"

"Hey!" Sun Quan said, annoyed, "You can't talk to me like that!"

"Can too! I'm sick!" Gan Ning retorted, "Now out!"

"But—"

"OUT!"

The door closed, and Gan Ning groaned, now wondering if there was any way to do something about an obvious erection when he didn't have any _hands_. Stupid Princess getting him all hot and bothered for nothing!

-

Sun Quan, grumbling furiously, strode out of the medic ward, forgetting why he went in there in the first place. He felt blood drip down his finger and sighed. Oh, that was why, he'd cut his steak and the knife had slipped and cut his finger instead.

Dammit, but nobody respected him around here _at all_! He just got kicked out of a room in his own damn palace—well, it wasn't his palace _yet_, but a third of this palace was his birthright—by Gan Ning of all people!

He got not respect at all as it was. Sun Ce was the awesome big brother, Sun Shang Xiang was the spunky little sister, and he was the nothing, the boring, nothing special, middle brother. Stupid birth order!

_Ce's nowhere near as intelligent as I am, and he's certainly not as mature_, Sun Quan thought, venting his fury out in his mind (as Zhou Tai was nowhere to be found, for once; if he'd been around to do his job, that steak would've been _cut_, and he'd be fine!). _Hell, the only reason Zhou Tai is even my bodyguard is because Father thinks I'm useless…_

"I'm not useless," Sun Quan said, out loud, "I'm just as strong as Ce is, and given the circumstance I'm just as sassy as Shang Xiang is!"

"Do you want your family to realize your worth?" asked the Genie, appearing on the scene in all her Genie awesomeness.

"I want my family to realize my worth, yes," Sun Quan answered, falling into the current Wu trend of answering voices from nowhere.

"Do you want them to appreciate you regardless of your age?" the Genie continued, going on the 'mystical Genie spiel'.

"I want them to appreciate me regardless of my age," Sun Quan nodded.

"All you have to do is wish for it~"

"I wish for— HEY, WAIT A MINUTE," Sun Quan said, whirling and pinning the Genie with a glare, "You're trying to deceive me!"

"Yes," said the Genie, "it comes with the territory, you know."

Sun Quan folded his arms. "You won't get me that easily," he replied, "I happen to be the most intelligent of the Sun family children~"

Well, compared to Sun Ce and Sun Shang Xiang, most people looked smarter in comparison (Gan Ning and Xiao Qiao were two objections to that generalization), but still, it was his only claim to fame!

"What would happen if I wished to be the eldest brother?" Sun Quan asked suspiciously, "I don't want my brother to fall off a cliff, or something."

The Genie crossed off 'throw the eldest brother off a cliff' as an option in case Sun Quan wished to be the eldest brother. She shrugged. "I don't know, I'm not one to share my creative licenses," she answered.

"Well, how about this," Sun Quan said, "I wish to be the eldest Sun brother—with no harm coming to my siblings, of course—and command the respect necessary to rule over the lands of Wu."

The Genie snapped her fingers.

All of a sudden, Sun Quan felt weird. Very, very, _very_ weird. Almost… transparent. He raised a hand and gasped—he couldn't see himself!! All he saw was… a dotted line?

"Am I invisible?" he asked.

"No," said the Genie, "you've been reduced to an ectoplasmic state!"

"…"

The Genie rolled her eyes. Right, the smartest of the freakin' _Sun Family_ still left a lot to be desired in the brains department. "You're a ghost."

"WHAT," Sun Quan squawked, "th-that's not what I asked for!"

"Too bad," the Genie answered, "no wish backs! Goodbyeeeeee!"

And she disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Sun Quan pouted. "If she's going to turn me into a ghost, I should at least be able to do _that_!" he grumbled, floating off. Well, time to go haunt someone, he supposed…

-

Zhou Tai was currently on a ship back to Wu, his two-week vacation sadly come to an end. Being Sun Quan's bodyguard was a lot of work, unfortunately. He'd gone to complain to Sun Jian that working for Wu was the pits when he got such a crappy paycheck and 401k plan as it was, not to mention the health insurance, and the King of Wu had gotten so frustrated with Zhou Tai's speech he gave the man a two-week vacation.

Time to complain enough to get a hot tub, Zhou Tai decided, as the ship docked. He sighed and began to head back up towards the palace. Another day, another migrate.

"ZHOU TAI!" wailed Sun Quan, from afar, "Zhou Tai, you're back!"

Zhou Tai looked around and rubbed his eyes. That was strange, he—he _heard_ Sun Quan, but he didn't… see him anywhere?

Oh, no. It was like that nightmare he'd had while on vacation—waking up in a dark room and being surrounded by a room of Sun Quans!!—those call girls really had to do some wonders to calm him back down again—but it wasn't dark out, it was broad daylight, and—

"Zhou Tai!" Sun Quan shouted, waving his arms at Zhou Tai frantically, "I know you can see me! How many other dotted lines do you see floating about!?"

Zhou Tai hadn't officially returned from vacation yet. He could ignore Sun Quan until he reached the palace, and that was what he was going to do, dammit.

"Zhou Taiiiii," Sun Quan complained.

Zhou Tai ignored him.

"ZHOU TAI."

Ignore.

"ZHOU TAAAAAAI."

Ignore.

"DAMMIT Zhou Tai—"

"MAKE IT STOP," Zhou Tai bellowed, and the Genie—who had just appeared behind Zhou Tai and prepared her Genie spiel cue cards—made a face and snapped her fingers.

"MMMPPPPH," Sun Quan wailed, "MPPPPPPMMMPHHH!!" His mouth was taped shut!

"Thank you," Zhou Tai grumbled.

-

"Hey, Tong, guess whaaaaat," Sun Shang Xiang sang, skipping up next to the young general and landing in front of him, her hands on her hips.

"Don't care," Ling Tong said, making a face at her.

Sun Shang Xiang stuck her tongue out at him. "Hey, I'll have you know I don't need your help after all!"

"Well, I'm glad I couldn't be of service," Ling Tong answered.

Sun Quan floated by at this point, desperately searching for another human being who might recognize him (and, uh, understand his "MPPPPPHHHHH"ing).

Sun Shang Xiang narrowed her eyes at him. "You know, they say misery's a correlation to an early grave."

Sun Quan might've hit his head against the wall, had he not known he'd, y'know, fazed right through it.

"Well, as long as you're not there~" Ling Tong replied cheerfully. He sighed, seeing her pout at him. "What is it? Does it have anything to do with why you're acting like Xiao Qiao on a sugar high?"

"I totally propositioned Ning like you told me to!" Sun Shang Xiang grinned, "and he's so awesome, he was down for it and everything!"

Sun Quan's jaw dropped (well, figuratively, at least). His pure, chaste sister had done WHAT!?

"Ew," Ling Tong said, making a face, "don't tell me you _actually_ had sex with him, Shang Xiang? I thought you had some standards!"

"I was going to, but I couldn't get his stupid pants open and Quan showed up so I had to run for it," answered Sun Shang Xiang, looking disappointed, "but you were wroooong~"

Sun Quan was at least pleased to hear that. He'd thrown cold water over his sister's love scene with Gan Ning, his duty as an elder brother could still be fulfilled!

"Wrong about what?" Ling Tong asked, "I don't remember anything, it's like all of yesterday was a—You didn't make a wish on that damn Genie, did you!?"

"No," Sun Shang Xiang said, "You don't get what you want in life by wishing for it, Tongy, you have to go out and work for it!"

"Says the girl who propositioned a man with no arms," said Ling Tong, "he couldn't resist you!"

"He wouldn't have even if he could!" Sun Shang Xiang shot back, "have fun jerking it in your room, jerkoff, I'm going to go find my new boyyyyyyyfriend~" And she took off.

Ling Tong rolled his eyes, folding his arms. There had to be a max quota of stupid in this palace.

Sun Quan, meanwhile, had given up waving at Ling Tong and decided instead to use his ghostly powers for good. He'd be a superhero! Super Sun Quan! Not so much as hero as a good Samaritan—after all, he _was_ the eldest Sun (in the literal sense). It was his sworn duty to protect the innocent! Helping people, even if they'd never know what he'd done for—

Lu Meng walked right through him.

Sun Quan yelped, feeling himself split down the middle, before going back together again. He winced horribly. Ew!

-

Lu Meng hadn't quite shaken the 'what the hell did I just run into!?' feeling off him when he entered the library. Ahh, the library~

Stupid Gan Ning insisting on calling me 'old man', Lu Meng thought, shaking his head as he grabbed a few books, stupid kid'll be lucky if he _lives_ to be my age, all these suicidal kamikaze leaps everywhere—

"Arrgh," he grunted, his back surging with pain, "ouch, ouch, ouch—" He dropped the books and rubbed his back painfully. Maybe Gan Ning had a point about him being old?

…yeah, and maybe Liu Bei was going to grow a pair of testicles and invade Wu. Not very freakin' likely. He chuckled at the very idea—Liu Bei, leading an army—and sat down, picking up a book.

He looked around. There sure were a _lot_ of books in this library…

…what if he never got to finish them all?

…what if he died and there was knowledge he never got to digest, information he'd never know, recorded history that would go—unrecorded!?

He squawked in fright, willing himself to concentrate on his book—but he couldn't concentrate! He read the same line over and over again and didn't remember it. He read the same line over and over again and didn't remember it. He read the same line over and over again and didn't remember it. He read the same line over and over again and didn't remember it. He read the same line over and over again and didn't remember it. He read the same line over and over again and didn't remember it. He read the same line over and over again and didn't—

(A/N: bet you're never going to forget that line :P)

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!" Lu Meng screamed, batting the book away from him, "Dammit, I'm not old! I'm not old, I'm not old!"

The Genie appeared right on schedule, her 'stupid Wu general having an insecurity mental breakdown' alert waking her up from her nap (so nice to nap in something other than that damned bottle).

"Do you want the young impulsive ones to appreciate your wisdom and not mock it?" asked the Genie.

"I want the young impulsive ones to appreciate my wisdom, and not mock it!" Lu Meng groaned, still frightened of that evil sentence.

"Do you wish to prove to the young ones that age doesn't matter?" asked the Genie.

"I wish to know everything. Anything there is to know about anything, I want to know," Lu Meng said, whirling and looking at the Genie, "grant my wish, Genie!"

The Genie snapped her fingers.

Lu Meng felt a towering sensation all of a sudden—why was the Genie _shrinking_?—and brought a hand to his head. Why did his head feel so—

"You know everything there is to know in this world," said the Genie, "however, your head could not withstand the sudden expansion of your brain, and—" She conjured up a mirror and showed him.

"AUUUUUUUUUGH," Lu Meng screamed, staring at his bulbous head, "I wish for a hat! Or a—or fix my head, rather!"

"One wish per customer!" the Genie said, cheerfully, disappearing in another smoke cloud.

"I HATE GENIES," Lu Meng growled.

…well, at least Gan Ning wouldn't call him 'old' any more…

-

Taishi Ci had decided Wu was the creepiest kingdom he'd ever been to.

No, seriously. Gan Ning randomly catapults himself of a window? Zhou Yu licking the table at dinner? Da Qiao doubling in size in all the accurate places, Sun Quan vanishing completely off the face of the earth, Lu Meng's gigantic head!?

He had decided to stay completely off the radar—more so than usual—until all this weirdness subsided.

A group of giggling maids were outside his door. He smiled brightly at them.

"Good day, ladies," he said, "lovely weather outside?"

The girls looked at him in almost total confusion. Taishi Ci opened his mouth to introduce himself—I'VE BEEN LIVING HERE TWO YEARS NOW—and just closed his mouth again. Forget it.

Stupid Wu. He was so somber and serious he was often left under the radar—it wasn't his fault he wasn't characterized or funny or idiotic like the other men were!

"All I want is for people to know who I am," he sighed.

"Do you want to be recognized for your heroic deeds?" asked the Genie, right on schedule.

"Yes," Taishi Ci said, lazy.

The Genie's eye twitched. Damn human ruining her spiel. "Do you wish for every child in Wu to be coaxed into the embrace of sleep by hearing stories of your great accomplishments?"

"Yes, yes, yes, just let me make my wish already, please," Taishi Ci requested.

The Genie sighed. Damn humans.

"I wish to be remembered," said Taishi Ci, "that all the men and women of Wu—no, the _world_—know who I am!"

"Done," said the Genie.

Taishi Ci didn't feel any different. Well, shame on him for believing in genies, he supposed.

He was hungry, dammit, and those girls outside were not making his self-esteem any higher; deciding to go introduce himself, and perhaps take one to dinner with him, Taishi Ci left his room, pleased to see the girls were still there.

He waved a jaunty hello at a group of giggling maids. "Hello," he said, "My name is Taishi Ci. May I ask yours?"

The maids stared at him in horror; one of the girls began shrieking, and the other three began screaming "DON'T HURT US!" in unison.

"Why would I hurt you?" Taishi Ci asked, baffled, "I wouldn't dream of harming innocent ladies!"

"IT'S—HE'S—SAVE US!" wailed the first screamer, and the other three began clawing at each other to get to the door first.

"IT'S TAISHI CI!"

"EEEEEEEK!"

"HE'S GOING TO CHOP US UP AND EAT US! JUST LIKE THE RUMORS SAY!"

Taishi Ci stood there confused out of his mind for a good minute before he realized what had happened.

Oh, fudge.

-

Yeah, I've been on a Gan Ning/Sun Shang Xiang kick lately, dammit all. I blame my RP buddy :D

That's it for chapter three~ only two more chapters of silly wishes left~

Also, hate to beat the dead horse here, but checking the story traffic always makes me sad :( I know you guys are out there, please review and tell me what you think of the story! "I like it" or "I didn't like it" works just fine :D


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4, let's see what these Wu morons get themselves into _this_ time around~ :)

We're getting to the end, here, so the real heavy duty damage causing wishes are going to be wreaking their havoc. I bet you're excited. Are you excited? Why do I keep spelling excited as exicted? Are you excited yet?

…is anyone actually reading this?

Without much further ado, Never Trust a Genie chapter fouuuuuuuuuuur~

-

Huang Gai scowled. He'd been sent into the _library_, of all places, to search for anything that might help with this—this _genie_ issue!

What had started off as a minor annoyance had escalated into a full-scale problem. This genie was outwitting generals left and right—and Zhou Yu's intelligence had picked a _wonderful_ time to drop into the negatives, with genies waging intellectual warfare on their generals and Wei mobilizing to the North.

Of course _Shu_ wasn't mobilizing—Huang Gai gave a loud chuckle at that. Liu Bei was probably pacing in his kingdom right now, crying and hoping for peace, or whatever it was he did all day, Huang Gai didn't spend much time pondering it.

Or anything else, but that was besides the point entirely.

Sadly, none of the books were marked "WHAT TO DO IF A GENIE INVADES YOUR KINGDOM AND BEGINS PICKING OFF YOUR GENERALS LIKE FLIES", so he would actually have to _read_, dammit.

He had half a mind to drag one of those young brats in here with him—well, anyone but Ling Tong, he whined and Huang Gai didn't want to hit him over the head with his giant club _again_, he always felt guilty when he did it. After all, Ling Cao was in heaven somewhere, he wouldn't be happy to know Huang Gai was brutalizing his son.

"Let's see…" Huang Gai picked a book about mythology off the shelf, and yawned when some story about some evil serpent dude named 'Orochi' appeared on the page. Yeah, serpent kings. Suuuuure. Huang Gai had been around the block quite enough times to recognize some stupid bedtime story when he saw one.

He squinted as he flipped through the pages. Dammit all, but he was having a hard time _seeing_… _don't tell me my eyes are going out on me!_ he thought, panicking, _I can't light fuses if I'm blind—_

_It's probably just the terrible lighting in here,_ Huang Gai decided, the perfectly sunny room be damned. _I'm not old! …but what I would do for a candle, or something to see with… I wish I had a candle right about now…_

The genie had been popping into the library to read a book (annoying Wu generals got old after a while, and if that irritating Ling Tong tried _one more crappy pickup line on her, _she was going to find a way to strangle him) when she heard the old Wu general's request. Sure, he'd been _thinking_ it, but as a mind-reading genie, it was like he'd screamed it.

She snapped her fingers, and a candle holder bearing a lit candle appeared in Huang Gai's hand. Huang Gai looked at it for a moment, saw the Genie disappear in a trademarked poof of smoke, and looked back at the candle, comprehension dawning on him.

He just wasted his wish on a freaking candle.

"SHIT!" he growled, exhaling severely.

The candle went out.

Huang Gai stared at the candle for a good long moment. Then he set it down on the table, took a seat, and started banging his head on the table.

-

Sun Shang Xiang grabbed Gan Ning by his shoulders, smiling at him. "Hi!" she said, playing with the collar of his faded green vest.

"Yo," said Gan Ning, "gonna leave me high and dry again!?"

"No," Sun Shang Xiang said, her hands moving behind his neck to hold the back of his head, "I intend to _finish_ this time around~" And she leaned in to kiss him eagerly, their lips meeting, Gan Ning wishing he had a hand to grope her with again.

While he was _kissing_ Sun Shang Xiang, Gan Ning's 'other person in the room' senses went off (these senses came in handy when he was pillaging through someone's belongings or philandering married girls) and he cracked an eye open… to see… holy _shit_…

Da Qiao sauntered past, her hips and breasts swaying unintentionally—oh, she _hated_ looking like this!!—and noticed her sister-in-law kissing Gan Ning. Well, to each their own, she supposed, making a bit of a face, and—oh, darn it, not again! The brooch she wore at the the neck of her blouse to keep it buttoned closed popped off—poor thing wasn't used to carrying such large breasts, sadly—and landed on the ground.

She made a face, unable to see the floor—thanks, breasts—and bent over, pushing her bangs back with one hand.

Gan Ning's eyebrows went up as Da Qiao bent over—she was wearing underwear, blue underwear, but—he was a lucky man, and he'd be even _luckier_ if he could get over there and get a piece of that—

Sun Shang Xiang apparently realized Gan Ning wasn't paying attention to her anymore—as in, his mouth was still on hers, but he wasn't doing anything, so it was creating a very awkward feeling—and pulled back a little. She saw his attention on _something_, and turned to see what it was.

"Wh-what are you—why are you _looking _at her!?" Sun Shang Xiang cried, "were you checking her out when you were kissing me!?"

"Yes," Gan Ning said, figuring honesty was the best policy here.

Okay, honesty might not be the best policy when dealing with a crazy Princess. That was the lesson Gan Ning learned when Sun Shang Xiang's knuckles collided with his face.

"OW!" he groaned.

"Jerk!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted, kicking him in the crotch—Gan Ning yelped in pain, once again unable to cup his poor mutilated body part due to having _no hands_—and settled for crouching over.

"I'm sorry for having eyes!?" he shouted, but the Princess was already gone, the doors slamming shut dramatically behind her.

-

Sun Jian paced in his throne room, glaring at his elder son and Zhou Yu. "I want to know who's making all these wishes!" he bellowed.

"I haven't made one!" Sun Ce whined, "I'm innocent, Pop!" He batted Zhou Yu's hand away from tugging his goatee, _again_, and scowled. "I'm gonna clobber Xiao Qiao when I see her next, dumb Zhou Yu's a real pain in the ass!"

"Where is Quan?" Sun Jian asked, "I haven't seen him in days!"

(Sun Quan was currently locked in Ling Tong's room. And he couldn't get _out_, either—he was a friggen ghost, but he couldn't phase through walls, and when he tried to touch the doorknob to get out, his hand phased through the doorknob. He had given up on questioning the logic and was now listening to Ling Tong's self-pitying monologue into the mirror, and trying very hard not to laugh—even though, with his voice lost forever, Ling Tong wouldn't have heard him anyway.)

"No—dammit, Yu, get your fist outta your mouth!" Sun Ce ordered, pulling on his best friend's wrist, "DAMMIT XIAO QIAO I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS ARRGH!"

Sun Jian rubbed his temples exhaustedly. Half his generals had already fallen prey to this Genie. "All we have to do is hope nobody else makes a wish," he said, shaking his head.

Sun Ce groaned. "And the odds of that happening are what, slim to none?"

-

Once again, we find Wu's resident pirate on his ship's deck. However, he wasn't fishing this time—he hadn't learned to avoid that minefield, of course, but his arms were broken. Can't do much fishing without any arms to lure in the catch—or, in Gan Ning's case, to hold the fishing rod all day.

No, instead Gan Ning was sitting aboard his ship, thinking about how much more badass his ship was than the other measly ships in the Wu navy. His ship was customized—it stood out way more than the Wu navy ships did—his ship was visible a mile away, while the subtle Wu ships remained meekly hidden in the fleets.

Yeaaaah, nobody'd ever beat Gan Ning of the Bells' ship, particularly with those silken sails he'd stolen from Huang Zu before he'd cut his head off—no, did he steal the sails before or after Huang Zu's untimely decapitation? Oh well. He didn't remember.

And for the record he hadn't _meant_ to decapitate Huang Zu; he was holding the sword threateningly, and all he'd _meant _to do was tell his former boss that he was leaving Wu, and point his sword at his throat menacingly, be all 'If you come after me, I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU RAWR', but, uh, he'd tripped, and next thing he knew, his Sea Master was in Huang Zu's throat—_boy _that came out sounding more sexual than he'd intended—and when he'd tried to dislodge the blade (admittedly not trying all that hard), Huang Zu's head fell off.

Of course, Huang Zu's death didn't come as much of a tearjerker for Gan Ning; he only wished he could really say he intended to kill Huang Zu without lying through his teeth. 'I tripped and accidentally cut his head off' didn't sound as badass as 'I fucking cut his head off' did. And Gan Ning was a man who cared about his reputation.

It'd be nice if he didn't have these two damn broken arms. He still couldn't understand why his damn legs had just up and decided to throw him out of a window; and of course he had to do it in front of Lu Meng and Lu Xun, both of whom had teased him mercilessly for it—well, Lu Meng had seemingly disappeared lately—anyway, he smelled something fishy.

And it certainly wasn't the fish.

What was he thinking about—oh, right, the ship. Yeah, nothing was more badass than Gan Ning of the Bells' ship… which, come to think of it, was a really long name. That didn't catch on at all. 'Fear Gan Ning as he sails in on his ship, Gan Ning of the Bells' ship?' Yeah, that sucked. That wouldn't look good on a plaque or anything.

Hmmm… I need a name for the ship…

Where's that damned Genie when I need 'er? I could sure wish up a name for the sh—SILKY! That's a _perfect_ name for the ship! Silky Silky Silky! Fear Gan Ning as he sails in on his ship _Silky_!

I am such a genius, Gan Ning thought proudly.

Meanwhile, lurking nearby was Genie. She hadn't been reading Gan Ning's thoughts—she enjoyed challenging minds, and Gan Ning's was more of an open book—a book intended for a kindergartener—a slow kindergartener, at that—so she'd been ignoring him, instead counting the millions of fish swimming in the Chang Jiang river.

_If you couldn't catch a fish in this river you either must be retarded, the worst fisherman in all China, or some combination of the three! _she thought, enjoying the view of the Chang Jiang from _outside_ of that damn bottle—she was already concocting a plan as to how she'd never, ever, _ever_ return to being confined inside of that damned bottle.

It was going to be a gamble, but—well, what did she have to lose? Being confined in the bottle for all eternity? Yeah, that was what was going to happen if she didn't try. Might as well go for it, right? Yeah!

Oh, dammit, the stupid pirate was waving at her.

"Yes?" Genie asked, trying not to roll her eyes.

"I have a wish," Gan Ning informed her.

"I suppose it's a good thing I'm a genie, then," said Genie.

Gan Ning narrowed his eyes at her. "Is sarcasm the new trend or something!? I'm smart enough to know you're insulting me but I'm not smart enough to know what you said!"

"Yes, well, intelligence is a virtue," Genie answered. "Anyway, enough about intellectual superiority and whatnot—what is your wish?"

"I want the best ship in the Wu fleet," Gan Ning said, his eyes bright—if his arms were functional, he'd be waving them wildly—and his smile huge. "Well!? Hurry up already!"

Genie rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers.

The entire Wu fleet exploded, except for Silky.

Gan Ning stared, wide-eyed, as the smoke cleared and bits and pieces of the former Wu fleet fell through the air.

"This fine vessel is now the best ship in the Wu fleet," said Genie.

Gan Ning whirled, glaring at her. "I didn't mean blow them all up! I meant make Silky huge! With cannons!" he shouted, furious.

"Then you should've specified!" Genie pointed out.

Gan Ning would've facepalmed if he had a hand. Instead he just hit his head against his cabin (and squawking with pain, _ow_).

"Why didn't you just wish your arms healed?" Genie asked curiously.

Gan Ning's expression changed about five times. His first expression was realization; _holy shit I could've wished my arms fixed!? _His second was suspicion; _this is probably a trick question, she's callin' me dumb or something!_ His third was anger; _Nobody calls me anything and gets away with it! _His fourth, and final expression, was thoughtful; _I gotta think of something to prove I'm not dumb or she'll think she's smarter than me and that just won't do!_

One might notice although the narration promised five Gan Ning expressions, the pirate in question only provided four. Math was not Gan Ning's forte.

"I, uh—arms'll fix!" Gan Ning huffed, "and how many times am I gonna get a free wish? I wasn't gonna waste it on something stupid, like fixing my arms or, I dunno, a candle!"

(Huang Gai sneezed again. The recently re-lit candle went out again. He growled in frustration and began banging his head on the table again.)

Genie blinked. "That's… actually a good answer."

Gan Ning made a face at her. "I've got a brain too! I just don't use it much."

"Riiiiiiiight," said Genie, "well, I must be off—I have a lot of havoc to wreak—I mean, lives to fulfill~ good day, Master Gan Ning~"

"Thanks for the headache," Gan Ning grumbled.

-

"Oh, dammit," complained Da Qiao, her brooch popping off again. "I'm _really_ going to need to find this in a larger size…"

"Sis, you look—different," said Xiao Qiao guilelessly, "did you do something to your hair?"

Da Qiao brightened. "Oh, yes!" she said, beaming, "in honor of my new Warriors Orochi Z costume I changed my hair—do you like it? I asked Sun Ce but he, uh… didn't answer me…"

Sun Ce's answer to Da Qiao's question was "Sfkjsklfjsklfjsklj", but in his defense he'd been expecting his wife, not—well, Pamela Anderson's Dynasty Warriors clone—that, and Zhou Yu had been pulling his goatee again.

Lu Xun, currently the only one brilliant enough to defeat the genie, looked up from his book, caught a glimpse of Da Qiao, and looked back down at his book pointedly, wide-eyed. He was focusing on the book. Not on the pretty buxom lady. ON THE BOOK.

Right before he began reading the same line over and over without remembering it (somewhere on the other side of the palace, Lu Meng sneezed, and the sneeze that resulted blew a hole in the wall), Lu Xun's trial began when Da Qiao addressed him.

"Have you found anything interesting, Lu Xun?" she asked.

"No," said Lu Xun, staring down at his book still.

Da Qiao frowned—eye contact was _essential_ to a proper conversation!—and tried again. "Well, is there any help I could possibly lend you?" she asked.

Lu Xun thought of something, and shook his head. "I-I'm fine, Lady Da, please don't do anything unnecessary!"

"Okay," Da Qiao said, sounding reluctant, "I guess I'll—Xiao QIAO take your fist out of your mouth IMMEDIATELY!"

"What?" Xiao Qiao pouted, withdrawing her fist from her mouth, "I saw Zhouie doing it earlier!"

"If you see Zhou Yu jumping off a cliff, are you going to follow him?" Da Qiao asked primly.

"Uh huh! He's my husband! I'll follow him everywhere!" said Xiao Qiao excitedly.

Da Qiao did a facepalm. Lu Xun forced himself to concentrate on his book, dammit all.

Sun Ce and Zhou Yu came into the dining hall at this point, Zhou Yu whining about a piggyback ride and Sun Ce using his best leader voice to tell him to GET OFF; Xiao Qiao saw Zhou Yu and squealed.

"ZHOUIE!" she shouted.

"XIAOIE!" Zhou Yu shouted back, and the two of them ran at each other, grinning and guffawing and cheering and making all sorts of stupid pre-copulation noises. They sounded like monkeys.

They ran off, Sun Ce making all sorts of interestingly disgusted faces, Da Qiao looking like she was mentally killing herself, and Lu Xun still focusing. on. the. book.

"There's my beautiful wife!" said Sun Ce, grinning from ear to ear, "whaddaya say you and I head upstairs and make with the love makin', babe?"

"I'm sitting right here!" Lu Xun wailed.

Sun Ce looked at him, and looked back at his wife. "Ride the Conqueror train?" he suggested.

Da Qiao giggled. "I'm so horny and amused I don't even mind the explicit use of an anachronism!" she said, jumping up (Lu Xun once again FOCUSING ON THE BOOK) and taking her husband's offered hand, "oh, my Lord, you always make me feel so much like a woman~"

Lu Xun tried to keep the gagging sounds to an absolute minimum. Gross, it was like your parents having sex—if your mother was totally hot, at least.

He closed the book—dammit, but he wasn't getting any reading done. Time to go upstairs to his room, flop on his bed, and cry, cry, cry.

Okay, sure, he was only seventeen years old—but that should be a plus! He wasn't a sick, twisted, perverted, sex-driven jerk like the other men of Wu were; he was quiet, calm, sensitive—if a woman came to him with a problem, dammit, he'd be up all night pondering all possible solutions until he came up with the best one. Who needed sexual intercourse when research was so much more fun?

…and okay, perhaps he'd be a little more eager to explore—and break—those sexual boundaries if he wasn't… err… well, fine, if he wasn't a bit… ummm…

Oh, this was too obvious to even bother with the candy coating. Lu Xun has a small penis. The narration doesn't see the point in belaboring the obvious. (Unless the obvious is "Sun Ce has a hot goatee", "Gan Ning has a hot everything", ect. Those obvious statements can and will be belabored at the narration's whim.)

Genie came along at this point, right on schedule, interrupting the narration's fourth wall breakage and spotting Lu Xun. "Why so down?" she asked, floating towards him.

"I have a small penis," Lu Xun sighed, and jumped, realizing he said that out loud.

Genie brightened; not because she had some fixation for minors with small penises, get your head out of the gutter, but because _finally_ some Wu general was getting to the point instead of belaboring the obvious "I have a wish I want you to grant, and I'm only humoring you with small talk because I think it's the nice thing to do" elephant in the room.

"So… do you want me to _fix_ that?" Genie asked, wondering why his statement hadn't already been re-worded into wish form.

Lu Xun blushed.

Genie sighed. "I didn't mean like—wish for it, and you shall receive!" she groaned. _Damn_ Wu morons.

"Oh. I wish for the largest penis across the land!" Lu Xun said brightly. He could have all the intelligence in the world by studying, but this—this was just something you had to be born with, sadly.

Genie snapped her fingers.

Lu Xun looked down at himself excitedly (apparently expecting to have to run to his room and find a new pair of pants). He frowned a bit. "Wh-why hasn't anything happened?"

"Wait for it," said Genie.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH"

Lu Xun jumped. "Wh—what the hell was that!?" he squawked. "M-more people running from Taishi Ci again!?"

"The sound of a man in Wu realizing his penis has shrunk," said Genie, "you now are in possession of the largest penis in Wu, dear boy~" and she disappeared.

Lu Xun groaned. Outwitted by a Genie!

-

"Tooooooong," wailed that terrible, familiar voice, and Ling Tong groaned. Not again!

"YES, SHANG XIANG!?" he asked, turning around to properly inform her that he wanted nothing to do what whatever it was she was scheming and to kindly leave him alone, _thank you_, but was surprised when instead of an earful of loud Princess yelling, he was greeted with an armful of crying Princess. "Shang Xiang?"

"Ning doesn't like me," she whined, "that dumb jerk was just leading me on! He was checking out Da Qiao when he was kissing me!"

"Told you," said Ling Tong, "he's a jerk, Shang Xiang, what were you expecting?"

"I don't know, I guess I thought—he doesn't know me that well, maybe I don't scare _him_, maybe he was my last chance at getting a boyfriend!" Sun Shang Xiang sniffled, "I don't know anyone else, and Liu Bei already gave the Jing Province back as a thank-you present for Daddy for taking me back home!" She began to cry again.

"You've got about as much as chance as I do," Ling Tong grumbled, "I don't know why you come to _me_ with this stuff, Shang Xiang, I'm not any good at this!"

"You're _here_," she pointed out.

"Why do you always come to _me _with your emotional dirty laundry?" Ling Tong asked suddenly.

Sun Shang Xiang stopped her pity party temporarily to look at him. "Wh-what do you mean?" she asked, "you whine enough for thirty people, buster, don't give me that!"

"That's not what I meant," said Ling Tong, "I mean, you _act _like you can't stand to be around me, but the _minute_ something goes wrong in your little happy life, you come running to me and expect me to tell you something to fix everything. Why me!? You've got two brothers!"

"I've known you _forever_, and I can't tell my brothers stuff like this," Sun Shang Xiang pointed out, "they won't be too thrilled to hear I propositioned Gan Ning, y'know. And besides, it's not like you have any say in the matter, I'm a princess and you have to do what I say!"

"Yeah, yeah—you don't hate me at all, do you?" Ling Tong asked, his grin getting bigger—not at the realization he had unresolved sexual tension with the scary princess of Wu, yikes, but he was totally _right_—"in fact, you probably like me, don't you? And I probably like you! And—"

"Is this going to end up in us having sex in some anticlimactic plot exposition?" asked Sun Shang Xiang.

"Yep. C'mon, let's get this over with," Ling Tong sighed, picking her up bodily and carrying her off towards his room.

About five minutes later, Ling Tong came back outside, once again carrying Sun Shang Xiang; he deposited her firmly on the floor and slammed the door shut behind her.

Sun Shang Xiang stared at the door for a second, and pounded it with her fist. "Tong!? What is it? I thought we were gonna—"

Ling Tong opened the door again. "I SAID GO AWAY!" he shouted, and slammed the door shut again.

Sun Shang Xiang stared at the door for a moment uncomprendingly; then she burst into tears, kicked the door, and stormed off.

Ling Tong stared down at himself, wide-eyed. "Wh-wh-wh-what happened to it!?" he wailed, trying not to cry—"oh, dammit, that was all I had left! SHIT!" He hoisted his pants back up, dove onto his bed, and started screaming into his pillow.

(Meanwhile, poor Sun Quan—who'd lucked out on being forced to watch the deflowering of his younger sister—was now trying to forget the appalling mental images of Ling Tong wailing over his shrunken penis from his mind.)

-

Da Qiao was at a loss. She finally had all of this woman to compete with all of Sun Ce's manliness, and—he went and failed her.

Can a man get erectile dysfunction at twenty-three!? she wondered, Ce was still so _young_, how was it possible he was having such terrible issues!?

Da Qiao didn't know a side-effect of being this much woman was an extreme case of nymphomaniacy (Genie had a wicked sense of humor), and unfortunately since her husband wasn't capable of tending to her needs, she, uhh… oh, dammit, she had to find someone else. Even though it _killed_ her—she loved Sun Ce! She wanted to be with him forever! She—holy shit, is that Gan Ning? Is he _shirtless_!?

Indeed he was; Gan Ning had somehow managed a way to remove his vest without disturbing his arms, and was trying to somehow make the explosion of the Wu shipyard look like someone else's fault. He was writing "LING TONG DID THIS" in the sand with the toe of his boot.

"Hello Master Gan Ning!" said Da Qiao excitedly, skipping over to say hello.

Gan Ning's head snapped up and he watched Da Qiao bounce—err, skip—over towards him, grinning as he replayed the whole thing in slow motion in his head. It was like Dynasty Warriors Baywatch!

"Hi," he answered, looking back down at his masterpiece, "Hey, can you tell me how many e's are in 'Ling Tong'?"

"Three," said Da Qiao, paying more attention to Gan Ning's ass than whatever it was he was writing in the ground.

(The sand now proudly read "LINGE TONGEE DID THIS", but nobody seemed to care about that.)

"So, uhh…" Gan Ning was trying to strain his brain for a polite way of asking 'what do you want', but his mouth ignored him and asked anyway. "What do you want?"

"I want to have sex," said Da Qiao bluntly.

Gan Ning had been studying the sand again, apparently doubtful as to the number of e's in Ling Tong's name (the narration would like to point out there are ZERO e's in Ling Tong's name) and he quite truthfully thought he misheard her.

"What!?" he asked intelligently.

"You heard me!" Da Qiao protested, "My husband has—" She didn't quite want to broadcast Sun Ce's, err, condition, but…

"Sun Ce can't get it up?" Gan Ning guessed, "no worries, babe, Gan Ning can get it up every time~"

Da Qiao brightened.

-

Sun Shang Xiang began to cry, miserably. "I miss Lord Liu Bei!" she sniffled, "at least he was _honest _that the idea of having sex with me repulsed him, he didn't lead me on like these awful people do!"

The genie actually, for once, felt compassion for this poor, sniffling, pathetic little girl, and decided to do her a kindness. "Perhaps you will feel better if you see this man Liu Bei again?" she suggested.

Sun Shang Xiang looked up at her, tears still in her green eyes. "Y-you could do that?" she asked.

The genie blinked a few times. "Do I need to do the introduction spiel?"

"Oh, right, mystical genie, got it," Sun Shang Xiang said, quickly, "okay, then, in that case—I wish to see Lord Liu Bei again!"

The genie snapped her fingers.

Sun Shang Xiang, excitedly, jumped up out of her seat (apparently expecting the Shu lord to appear right in front of her). "Where is he? I don't see him!"

Genie pointed out the window. A large army was headed straight for Wu, Shu standards visible from amongst the crowd; and Liu Bei and his Hex Mark horse were quite visible at the lead.

Sun Shang Xiang did a facepalm. Crap.

-

"What the—why is Shu attacking us!?" Sun Ce squawked, "this breaks good faith, those losers said they'd leave us alone until Wei was taken care of! ARRRGH!"

"Ce, Ce, calm _down_!" Sun Jian ordered, "this is nothing to be losing your cool about, boy, all we need to do is think of a strategy and—"

"Think of a strategy!? Think of a strategy HOW, Pop!? Zhou Yu's so stupid he forgot how to breathe, Lu Meng's head's too big and he can't get out of bed, and Lu Xun's the only well-hung guy left in this kingdom and he's too busy getting ass to pay attention!" Sun Ce howled, "this is all that stupid genie's fault!"

"Why _is_ Shu attacking us!?" Sun Jian demanded.

"It's all my fault," Sun Shang Xiang wailed, "I—I was feeling lonely because stupid Tong bailed on sleeping with me and I wished to see Lord Liu Bei again and—oh, it was a moment of weakness, I'm sorry, Daddy!"

All Sun Jian heard of that sentence was "I slept with Ling Tong" (overprotective daddies and selective hearing, quite a combination). "LING TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!" he bellowed, sounding like a foghorn.

Ling Tong winced, horribly. "I'm right here!" he whined, "ow, my Lord, way to scream in my damn ear!"

Sun Jian grabbed him by the front of his shirt. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DAUGHTER!?" he demanded.

"I didn't sleep with her! I was too ashamed!" Ling Tong wailed.

"ASHAMED OF SLEEPING WITH MY DAUGHTER!?" Sun Jian shouted.

"No! Ashamed that my—my—" Ling Tong began to cry. Sun Jian tossed him down disgustedly and glared at his daughter.

"So you're telling me because Ling Tong wouldn't give you any, YOU WENT AND ASKED FOR LIU BEI!?" Sun Jian shouted, "dammit, Shang Xiang, I thought that was the reason you wanted to come home in the first place!"

"He used to cry!" Sun Shang Xiang reminisced, "and he used to beg me not to come near him! Stupid Tong led me on!"

"Dammit Shang Xiang I was going to have sex with you! My damn penis shrunk and I couldn't get it up and it was humiliating so I figured it'd be better for all of us if I changed my mind!" Ling Tong shouted. "Sheesh!"

Sun Ce blinked a few times. "Waaaaait, you shrunk too!?"

"Don't remind me—wait, you too!?"

"Yeah!" Sun Ce squawked, tugging his pants down (everyone groaning). "Maybe there's something in the water supply!?"

"How about we figure out how to get rid of Shu before they surround the whole palace!?" Sun Jian suggested, still furious, "then all of you can work out your erectile dysfunctions at some other appropriate time!"

-

Back outside on Silky, the intimacy between Gan Ning and Da Qiao was _finally_ getting somewhere—Gan Ning had insisted on taking his _own_ pants off, and Da Qiao had patiently waited for about twenty minutes before she'd gotten bored watching him try to jump out of his pants.

She'd stormed over, yanked his pants down, and stared for a good five seconds before groaning and shrieking something about erectile dysfunction being contagious. Gan Ning, unable to see very well over his arm slings, asked her what the hell she was going on about, and suddenly realized something seemed to be—uhh, missing.

One look down had resulted in him screaming bloody murder. Da Qiao—deciding the moment had become awkward and it was time for her to leave—opened the cabin door, only to find thousands of Shu soldiers and cavalries and catapults and siege weapons attacking the Wu palace.

"Uhh… Ning?" Da Qiao asked questionably.

"IT'S NOT NORMALLY THAT SMALL!" Gan Ning squawked defensively.

"No, not that—_that_!" She pointed.

Gan Ning looked outside and groaned. "Dammit, and now we're being attacked. Where's my sword, I'll go kill them all!"

"You're going to take on an entire army without arms!?" Da Qiao asked excitedly, "I might just ignore the size of your penis and sleep with you anyway!"

Gan Ning looked down at his arms. "SHIT."

-

Good _lord_ there was a lot of sex references in this chapter XD Well, I guess it's good to have that T-rating…

One more chapter to go!


	5. Chapter 5

And here we are at chapter five, the final chapter! I think everyone will be relatively surprised by the ending ;)

And if you're not, then, well, too bad! Pretend to be surprised! :D

-

It hadn't happened yet, but the Wu forces were very quickly starting to lose faith in humanity.

Hell, it wasn't even fair to blame humanity. The horrible things had only begun happening to the officers of Wu when the Genie came into their lives.

Hell, it wasn't even fair to blame the Genie—sure, she was the instigator here, but she wasn't holding Wu generals at arrow-point and forcing them to 'make a wish, lest I fire an arrow into your frontal lobe'—No, instead, they were just seduced by the free wish deal, fell for the Genie trap hook, line, and sinker, and were stupid enough to get dragged into the whole mess.

And so here we are, at the conclusion of this tale. Let's see what the idiots do this time around, shall we?

-

Despite the sinking morale all around them, and the hopes, triumphs, dreams (and reasonably impressive penis sizes) of his officers crashing around his ears, Sun Jian hadn't lost all hope yet.

"As long as nobody makes any more wishes, we should be able to stop Liu Bei," he was saying to a room of distracted generals. "And—dammit, has anyone seen Gan Ning?"

"What use is he going to be anyway? He doesn't have any arms!" Ling Tong pointed out.

"Ning could kick more ass than Tong could without arms," said Sun Ce, chuckling, "he doesn't _need _arms~"

"I wasn't aware you joined the 'Kiss Gan Ning's Ass' club," Ling Tong snapped, "hey, Ce, when you two have sex do you top him? Just out of curiosity!"

"Don't be gross!" Sun Ce whined, "I'm not fucking him, all I'm saying is he's a better general than you'd ever hope to be!"

"I HATE LIVING IN THIS KINGDOM!"

"_Anyway_," Sun Jian said, hoping all disturbing mental images of his son and Gan Ning would exit his brain immediately, "as for the trouble at hand—" he glared at his daughter, who smiled sheepishly—"we need to figure out what to do about Liu Bei, and since all my _strategists_ have become utterly useless—"

"Zhou Yu's retarded, Lu Meng can't move, Lu Xun's so well-hung no woman in Wu can rest until she beds him—yeah, we're totally screwed," said Sun Ce, making a terrible face as he ticked off on his fingers.

"Where's Quan?" Sun Shang Xiang asked curiously.

"Who?" Sun Jian asked.

Sun Ce and Sun Shang Xiang blinked. "Your second son?" she asked.

"Our brother?" Sun Ce asked.

"My second so—" Sun Jian felt abruptly terrible he'd forgotten the existence of chopped liver—err, Sun Quan, his second son, his pride and joy youngest child until Sun Shang Xiang came along—"damn it, which of you fools wished for amnesia?"

"Yeah, that was my _second_ wish," Ling Tong said, rolling his eyes.

"I'm not talking to you, Mr.'_My Daughter Isn't Hot Enough To Copulate With_'," Sun Jian snapped, "for your information Shang Xiang looks exactly how I would look were I to have been born female, so by saying she's not hot enough you're insinuating that _I _wouldn't be hot enough, and that pisses me off, boy!"

"That's logic for you," Ling Tong commented, slightly freaked out, "and for the hundredth time _it's not my fault my penis shrunk_!!"

"Uh huh," Sun Shang Xiang whined.

"It's true!" Ling Tong protested, "do you want me to take my pants off and show you!?"

"NO," Sun Jian said, holding his hand up.

"Seriously," whined Sun Ce, "I hope this is, like, a water problem or something, I can't live the rest of my life with a 13 inch penis!"

Ling Tong blinked a few times. "Didn't you say it _shrunk_!?"

"YES!" Sun Ce wailed, anguished, "dammit!"

Ling Tong sighed.

Huang Gai banged his club on the table, outraged. "Dammit, would all of you brats stop playing 'Show Me Yours' and figure out a way to stop the army? Even I can't beat Liu Bei all by my—EXPLOSIVES!" He brightened.

"Do we have enough?" Sun Jian asked, "the palace is surrounded, he pulled all the stops out for this invasion! I didn't even think Shu _had_ that many troops!"

"This stinks," Sun Ce complained, "Pop, why can't I just go out there and kill them all? Huge army or not it's still a _Shu_ army!"

"Because then I won't have any sons at all," Sun Jian answered, "and since _my daughter isn't attractive enough for some people at this table_, I won't get a single grandchild!"

Ling Tong banged his head on the table.

"And unfortunately Liu Bei is the only pussy in Shu, for some reason his bullshit spiels about peace and love bring a lot of badass generals to enlist in his army," Sun Jian complained, "while I'm stuck with a bunch of ungrateful pains in my ass whose diapers I used to change. Brats."

"That's kind of what you get for building an army you don't have to pay, my lord," said Huang Gai.

Sun Jian glared at him.

"Wait a minute. _I'm_ not related to these weirdos! Why do _I_ have to serve for free?" Ling Tong whined. "My dad's dead, I should be emancipated! I'm a free man!"

"Because nobody else would take you, Mr. Shrunken Penis," answered Sun Jian evenly.

"Send Taishi Ci out there!" Sun Ce said, "what's the point of having the most feared man in the world in our ranks if we can't use his reputation to our advantage!?"

"An excellent idea, my son—you go get him!" said Sun Jian.

"Me!? Why!?" Sun Ce whined.

"Because we're not fool enough to do it!" said Huang Gai, "be a hero!"

"No!" Sun Ce said furiously, "make Tong do it, he's the butt monkey!"

"No! I have a better idea! Why don't we just _give_ Shang Xiang to Liu Bei?" Ling Tong asked, "one less mouth to feed—and hear, and that might make them go away! …or fly into an insulted rage and try to kill us all, but let's hope for the best!"

"That's a new one," commented Huang Gai.

"ABSOLUTELY NOT! That horrible man isn't coming anywhere near my daughter!" Sun Jian said furiously, "she'll die an old maid before he comes anywhere near her!"

"It's not like he'd sleep with me anyway," Sun Shang Xiang whined.

Sun Jian banged his head on the table.

"I thought it was an elephant in the room," said Sun Shang Xiang.

"IT WAS," Sun Jian grumbled.

"So exactly why did you wish for a man who _wouldn't _sleep with you in your 'no man in this kingdom will have me' state of misery?" Sun Ce asked.

"I don't know! I was in an emotional state and I wasn't thinking properly!" Sun Shang Xiang whined.

Ghost Sun Quan floated into the room, trying to warn his family the Shu army was armed with arbalests, catapults, and various other projection-flinging things, but unfortunately he couldn't quite get the words out. And mime wasn't a very effective mean of communication when you were nothing more than a transparent dotted line.

Then a giant rock crashed through the wall, and everyone began screaming. A lot.

"DAMMIT!" Sun Jian raged, "all right, plan B, Shang Xiang, go!"

"I don't wanna!" Sun Shang Xiang whined.

"Dammit, girl, I am your father and I command you to go out there, seduce that man and make the army go away!" Sun Jian ordered, "this is all your fault anyway!"

"You're the worst father ever! I'm going to Liu Bei! Not because you told me to!" Sun Shang Xiang got up and stormed out of the room, passing through Sun Quan.

Sun Quan groaned. Ew.

"So after they kill her, what's the plan?" Sun Ce asked.

"I have no idea," Sun Jian grumbled, "I'm playing this by ear, alright?"

"Here we are, Zhou Yu, the strategy room!" Xiao Qiao said cheerfully, dragging her retarded husband along with her, "and there's Sun Ce! Say hi, Sun Ce!"

"Hi," said Sun Ce, sighing. "Xiao, get him out of here, would you?"

Xiao Qiao pouted. "Don't be mean to my Zhouie!" she whined, "Zhouie, tell him what I taught you, okay?"

"Fuck you!" Zhou Yu sang.

"ZHOUIE!" Xiao Qiao whined, "say it to him, not me!"

Sun Jian groaned. Yeah, the 'make the kids fight for me for free' plan wasn't sounding too intelligent anymore. And he didn't know where any of the slightly useful generics were either.

"I got an idea," said Sun Ce suddenly.

"That's a new one," Sun Jian remarked. "Go on, Ce."

"Let's use Zhou Yu's wish to make Liu Bei go away!" said Sun Ce, "I mean, he's the only one dumb enough to waste his wish on something _productive_—"

"Hear, hear," Huang Gai said mournfully, glaring at that bastard candle.

"GENIE!" Sun Ce shouted.

Genie had sensed havoc and was already on her way upstairs; then a giant rock blasted through the wall, so she just floated. Dammit!

"What!?" she asked, calm and serene nature out the door, "what is it now!?"

"Say 'go away Liu Bei!' said Xiao Qiao to Zhou Yu encouragingly.

Zhou Yu nodded. "Go way Liu Beeeeeeei~" he sang, "come again another daaaaaay~"

"NO!" Sun Ce shouted, "we don't want him to come again another day!"

"Make him come again another day /never/~" Zhou Yu added, still in singsong.

Genie rolled her eyes.

"That's as close to wish format as it's gonna get," said Sun Ce, "make it happen, lady!"

Genie snapped her fingers.

-

Liu Bei watched the walls of the Wu palace collapse, smirking evilly from ear-to-ear. It was about _time_ these tiger-screwing bastards met the _real_ Liu Bei! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA—

"Lord Liu Bei, when do you want to attack with the flaming arbalests?" Zhao Yun asked, a bit troubled by the new evil side of his lord, but a loyal general served to the end. Or something.

"Flaming arbalests? Dammit, someone get Zhang He away from the arbalests!" Liu Bei ordered.

Zhao Yun was confused. "Flaming ar—Zhang He is a general of _Wei_, my lord, you're not used to being a badass for once and your mind is severely unstable! Perhaps I should take over from here?"

"NO! I'm the commander and you do what I say! Set the Wu palace on fire!" Liu Bei ordered, "then bring me the head of Sun Jian so I can kick it!"

Zhao Yun made a bit of a face at that mental image.

"And god _dammit_ if you see that irritating Princess, _string her up by her intestines and_—"

"You mean _that _Princess?" Zhao Yun asked, pointing ahead.

Sure enough, the Princess of Wu was running across the battlefield, waving, yelling to Liu Bei, her generous chest bouncing in such a fashion Zhao Yun almost winced.

Liu Bei's eyes got wide—"shoot her down! Shoot her down!" he screamed.

"No!" said Zhao Yun, "she's an innocent girl, Lord Liu Bei, we can't _kill_ her!"

"Absolutely not! I don't want her anywhere near us! Kill her!" Liu Bei shouted, looking crazed.

"What's not to like about her? She's rich! She's beautiful! She's got huge… tracts of land!" Zhao Yun said, miming around his chest area.

"Not to mention her huge rack," commented Pang Tong. Zhao Yun sighed. Pang Tong shrugged. "What? Like you weren't thinking it?"

"What the hell are you all standing there staring at her for!? I want her shot down! Hit her with one of those spike missiles!" Liu Bei raged.

"Liu Beiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~" Sun Shang Xiang sang, "did you miss me!?"

"No!" Liu Bei bellowed, "kill her! Or better—RETREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!"

Sun Shang Xiang beamed, already in 'me and Liu Bei are going to be so happy together 3333333' mode, when, suddenly—

KABOOM.

Sun Shang Xiang stared, wide-eyed, at the huge smoke clouds everywhere—did everyone in Shu just _explode_!?

She looked at her hands. I have the power to make people explode with my mind!?

She grinned. _Awesome_.

-

"I have been in here long enough!" Da Qiao said, annoyed.

"It'll go back to normal! Wait a few more minutes!" Gan Ning complained, glaring down at his rather lacking erection (if you could call it that). "Come on!"

"But my husband—and—" Da Qiao looked like she was going to begin wailing, when a giant explosion rang through.

"What was that giant explosion?"

"How should I know!?" Gan Ning demanded, "I don't have any arms!"

Da Qiao decided not to point out that arms were not necessary for looking out the freaking window, and instead sighed. "Well if we're going to die in here I suppose I have to take things as they come," she said, "take your pants off!"

Gan Ning groaned—pulling your pants up and managing to tie them closed wasn't such a big effort with the use of two functional arms, but without arms, it was more of a test of mental willpower (that, and proper oral health, considering he'd had to use his teeth for quite a bit of everyday things lately). And now he had to take them _off_ again. Dammit.

Da Qiao looked out the window. This did not bode well.

-

"What the hell was that?" Sun Jian asked, "more of the—what in the name of all things good, orange and striped happened to the army?"

"They went away?" Sun Ce guessed, "way to go, Genie!"

"No, they—they just exploded!" said Sun Jian, watching, wide-eyed.

"They did!?" Ling Tong asked, "sweeeeeeeeet~ no more Shu! We automatically gain all their land!"

Sun Jian blinked a few times. Oh, right. Utter destruction of Shu was a good thing.

"Now what, Pop?" Sun Ce asked.

Sun Jian shrugged. "I don't know. Well, it'll come to us eventually, I assume. Let us be on our way!"

Sun Ce headed upstairs, wondering where his wife had gotten to. He hadn't seen her in a while, maybe she was still mortified about his penis size and was hiding her face in shame, but—

"Hello," said Genie.

"Hi," Sun Ce said suspiciously—"I know you! Don't think you'll get the better of me! I'm not going to make a wish!"

"All I said was 'hello'," said Genie. "Tell me, how old is this palace? Fascinating architecture."

Sun Ce, on the other hand, was not listening. He didn't _want_ to make a wish, he really didn't, but he had no idea what to wish for anyway! His penis to be returned to normal size? Zhou Yu to be not-retarded? Eternal youth and life for Pop so he wouldn't die and he never had to be the Emperor? Some fame for his brother so he'd stop being so forgotten about? A boyfriend for his sister so the stick jammed in her ass would loosen a bit, maybe even fall out? His wife to—well, okay, he couldn't think of much about his wife at the moment, she, uh, was fine the way she was~ Although, she could be a bit more fertile, the word around the Wu palace was _he_ shot blanks and that just couldn't be true!

"I wish I knew what to wish for!" Sun Ce blurted out.

The Genie snapped her fingers. Sun Ce suddenly had a vision, of the land united under Sun Jian's banner, with Sun Quan fending off adoring fans, Sun Shang Xiang making out with Ling Tong—oh, ew, that wasn't what he meant by _boyfriend—_Zhou Yu chattering away something smart and Xiao Qiao nodding as everything he said flew right over her head, himself and Da Qiao along with about fifteen cute little kids, and—in short, Sun Ce's definition of paradise.

"I wish for that to happen!" he said, excited.

"Only one wish per person," Genie answered smoothly, "now you get to forevermore know what you _could_ have wished for, if only you could have thought of it~" And she floated off.

Sun Ce facepalmed. Dammit.

-

Sun Jian, on the other hand, was pacing. His kingdom was still in shambles. Sure, Liu Bei was wiped off the face of the earth—quite literally—but there was still the Wei problem, and—

"You seem stressed, Lord Sun Jian," said Genie, appearing right on time. "What seems to be your trouble?"

"The fact that my kingdom is in disarray all thanks to you and your magic!?" Sun Jian demanded, "that and all my generals are failures!?"

"Seems like you've spent your whole life fighting to rule. Are you really going to let a bunch of children stand in the way of your dream?" Genie asked.

"Don't try and trick me! I'll never wish for the harm of my children!" Sun Jian said furiously. "Alright, perhaps Ling Tong, but—your magic won't work on me!"

"Not the point. What I meant is, you spend your whole life picking up their slack. Why not make a wish for yourself for once?"

"I wish for a mascot. A symbol that is so recognizable that when someone sees it, the fear of the Tiger is pierced through their heart," said Sun Jian, apparently just wanting to get to the point.

Genie snapped her fingers.

A colossus tiger appeared in the room, announcing his presence with a roar. Sun Jian jumped.

"His name is Sunny," said Genie, handing the leash to Sun Jian. "enjoy!"

"Sunny?" Sun Jian asked, and brightened. "Sunny, I am your new master!"

Sunny had a brief 'oh no he did~n't' look on his face. Then he roared again. He flexed his neck muscles and the spiked collar he wore tore clean off and fell to the ground. Then he roared again and ran off, shaking the palace.

Sun Jian sighed, sinking into his throne. Well, time to contemplate all the ways /that/ would prove to be a bad idea.

-

Ling Tong was enjoying life, for one brief, glorious moment; sure, he had a giant rock where his bedroom used to be, and his penis was still 1/8ths of its original 8 inch glory, but hey, at least nothing ridiculous had happened so far, like, being mauled by a giant tiger!

Life was good in the life of Ling To—

Right on cue, Sunny tore through the hallway, trampling Ling Tong.

Ling Tong sighed. Well, easy come easy go.

Sunny seemed to realize he had a tiny human squashed under his foot; he picked his paw up and glared at Ling Tong.

Ling Tong gulped. Well, this was the end. Hey, maybe death would be better than living, though. He'd been a relatively good person, aside from all those pranks he pulled and those innocent civilians he accidentally slaughtered (how was _he _supposed to know they weren't lying? That little old man easily could've pulled a sword on him, he was a 'take no prisoners' kind of general!) so he'd probably get a pretty sweet deal in the afterlife—maybe meet an actual nice girl instead of being stalked and eye-raped by the slightly crazed Princess—GOODBYE SWEET WOOOOOOOORLD—

Sunny licked his face. He made a face. "Ew!" he complained, "oh, god, don't tell me you're going to _lick_ me to death!"

Sunny had made up his mind. When he conquered the world, it'd be nice to have a human companion (thumbs) or, push came to shove, to eat as a bedtime snack. He got a mouthful of Ling Tong's shirt and carried him off.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP," Ling Tong wailed, "I'm gonna get eaten by a tiger! This is the most undignified end ever! My descendants will be laughing at me!"

"You would've gotten eaten by a _tigress_ if you hadn't been such a sissy," remarked Sun Shang Xiang, who was passing by. "And you don't have any descendants, you virgin!"

"Now I'm gonna get eaten by a tiger, I have disgusting mental images in my head, and my honor's been insulted!" Ling Tong complained.

-

Meanwhile, the palace was in a frenzy. You would be too, if a giant tiger was on a rampage through it!

"Where the hell did a giant tiger come from!?" Sun Ce bellowed, furious.

"I, uh, might have something to do with it, my son," Sun Jian said, a bit nervously, looking around at the wreckage of his palace.

"How so?" Sun Ce asked. His eyes narrowed. "POP!"

"Don't you raise your voice to me, boy, I'm your father!" Sun Jian threatened.

"But Pop, you wished for a TIGER!? YOU WISHED FOR THAT!?" Sun Ce shouted, aghast at watching the colossus tiger run around the palace, as maids and servants screamed for their lives. "Why didn't you wish for—I don't know, glory of the Sun family!? Or—or for Mom back!? Or—"

Sun Jian folded his arms. "I see no need to explain myself!" he said angrily, "all of you wasted your wishes on something selfish or unnecessary! Why should I have to waste my wish—my ONE opportunity in life to get whatever I want without having to work for it—on fixing your mistakes? Explain that to me, Ce!"

"Because we're all either going to get picked off by the tiger or invaded by Wei!?" Sun Ce squawked, "Pop, Zhou Yu's still retarded and we don't have an army! _That tiger ate Ling Tong_!"

"No, I'm alive," called Ling Tong.

Sun Ce groaned. "Ling Tong's still alive! Isn't that tragedy enough!?"

"I said I was alive!"

"Do you have to rub it in?"

"Meaning I can still hear you!"

"Sunny isn't going to cause any more harm than you idiots will!" Sun Jian decided, "therefore, he is staying!"

"Like he was going to listen if you told him to pack up and go home," Ling Tong commented.

"If you can't walk you can't snark either! Shut up!"

Sun Ce groaned, scratching the back of his head. "Well, at least Da still looks like a—beautiful lady," he finished, grinning sheepishly. "So, uhh… I guess we have to sleep in the beds we made, right?"

"Not unless our penises return to normal size," Ling Tong whined.

Sun Ce winced. "That's right, I almost forgot about that…"

"Sunny is absolutely harmless," Sun Jian decided, and Sunny proved just how harmless he was by squashing a few servants.

"God dammit, where the hell is that evil Genie!? This is all her fault!" Sun Ce shouted.

-

Meanwhile, the Genie was leaving Wu—she still had nine hours left, those Wu idiots had managed to destroy their kingdom with wishes in fifteen hours, which was a new record—but… where could she stir up trouble now? She didn't know where she was floating, she was headed north of Wu—

A large empire caught her eye; a huge palace, with large towers and blue flags and military formations outside. She smiled broadly.

Welcome to the Kingdom of Wei, she thought, grinning wickedly as she descended, meeting the one eye of Cao Cao's right-hand general Xiahou Dun.

"Who are you!? State your business!" Xiahou Dun shouted, brandishing his scimitar.

"I am the Genie of the Yellow Lotus," said Genie, "I can grant you any wish you ever desire (just as long as it happens in the next nine hours)."

"A Genie?" Xiahou Dun asked, "so if I wished for an eye, you would give me one?"

"That was what I meant by 'grant you any wish you ever desire'," said Genie, mentally rolling her eyes.

Xiahou Dun glanced around suspiciously. "Alright then," he said. "I wish for an eye!"

Genie snapped her fingers. An eye sprouted from Xiahou Dun's forehead.

"Why is my vision lopsided?" Xiahou Dun wondered, but didn't seem to mind much—he could see again! Eat that, Lu Bu and Cao Xing—he caught a glimpse of himself in a nearby fountain and screamed.

"I MEANT FOR THE EYE TO BE PUT IN THE RATHER CONSPICUOUS SOCKET!" Xiahou Dun raged, pointing at the eye patch, "DO YOU THINK I WEAR THIS FOR THE FASHION, WOMAN!?"

Genie grinned. It was going to be a fun nine hours.

-

Aaaaah, that was a last-minute idea on my part XD

Will I do a sequel to this? Probably not. Just imagine all the havoc. :3

It's been a fun ride; thanks for the reviews along the way, keep 'em coming, and while I have your attention, if you liked this story you'll probably like my other stories too! 8D (Pretty much the same characters different scenarios)

If you've played Warriors Orochi, don't forget there's a page for that too on —go check it out, there's some cool stuff over there too!


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